Self-esteem, and self-compassion - is there a difference?

For most of us, some of the anxiety in life, involves always trying to be a better person which is indeed an honourable pursuit, but at the same time, it is almost an aim that can be never for fulfilled.   We never feel enough because we can never be thin enough, smart enough, or attractive enough, socially acceptable enough, because there is always someone we look to whom has reached a higher level somewhere.

Pursuing self-esteem has been one of the responses to this difficulty we feel in life.  We finally manage to get on with all of our workmates and feel a sense of achievement and self-esteem about this, for example. But then another challenge comes along, and we feel our self-esteem plummeting again. This dynamic of up-and-down of self-esteem can lead to a sense of isolation and loneliness that many of us feel.

In clinical trials, it has even been demonstrated that an increase in self-esteem often promotes anger, aggression, and envy towards those who are doing so called better than us. 

School bullying is often seen to be a result of someone trying to boost their sense of self-worth by bringing another person down to a lower level.  Some psychologists have summarised that never before has there been such high levels of self-esteem in society, as a result of the “self-esteem movement” and that narcissism is closely linked to increased levels of self-esteem.

Of course we encourage our young people to grow up with a sense of self-esteem – we all know it is important in this society and is what drives us forward as human beings to progress.

But there is another way of regarding ourselves that is deeper and more long-lasting and more stable.

I feel it is a way of being with ourselves that means that our sense of self does not move this way and that, up-and-down like a stick in the water, floating this way and that according to how our self-esteem is going that particular day and the next.

Another way of being is the path of self-compassion and self acceptance.  Instead of a sense of self-evaluation that comes from self-esteem , self-compassion is more an acceptance of the full spectrum of who we are “warts and all” as some people say here in Australia.  Self-compassion is about feeling how human we all are.  Together. 

Self-compassion, you might find, gives a feeling of being connected rather than disconnected with those around us.  It’s inclusive rather than exclusive.

Instead of our evaluation of ourselves going up and down, this way and that, ebbing and flowing, self-compassion is consistent and helps us to feel secure and stable.

In summary:

Self esteem

-       Can mean isolation and loneliness.

-       Is dependent on how we assess ourselves moment to moment often in comparison to others.

Self-compassion

-       Is consistent and helps us to feel secure and stable.

-       Helps us remember that we are human and “enough” just the way we are.

This way of being is often promoted in Buddhism and other religions, as the first point before learning about loving others.

Self-compassion is a state of being that is always there for you, unconditionally.  It relies less on how attractive we are how well we have done, but it is just a consistent stable. An “always there” feeling.  

Of course self-compassion can go up and down just like self-esteem can but when we nurture self compassion and let it grow through various means, including just being aware of the concept, it grows and grows and grows.  Some of the other ways to learn about self-compassion are

-       learning about being in the present moment, or mindfulness

-       encouraging others to be unconditionally loving towards themselves

-       being our own best friend

-       rituals of self-care and self-compassion, finding out what things we can do to nurture ourselves.

-       Reading about and podcasts about self-compassion.

-       When things are difficult learning to soothe ourselves like we would soothe our own best friends and family.

Developing self-compassion means that whatever happens in our life we can be for kids being soothing and nurturing towards ourselves to remember that we are human. I would ask you that we will then say the world and others, with a sense of compassion that is more deep rooted as well.